"I carried a watermelon"

The standard Modus Operandi of SND after an argument, was to attack with an emotional guilt trip. There's been a host of scenarios - uncle's passing away in the night; dog's getting run over, etc. Five days after a heated exchange over their dogs barking, Steve Nextdoor (SND) calls out to us as we are getting into our car.

SND: 'Just so you are aware, my wife is SERIOUSLY ill in hospital. She is having an emergency hysterectomy as we speak'

Me: 'Oh my god Steve. I am so sorry to hear that! I hope she is ok!?"

SND: 'Would you be ok if you had a cyst the size of a watermelon on your ovary?!!!!'

I tried to process this information with a level-head. A grapefruit, yes... but seriously, a watermelon-sized cyst? His wife (known by us as Chumbawumba due to her unfortunately choice in haircuts) wasn't on the slim side, but I wondered how she'd hide this. Regardless of the size, a hysterectomy was major surgery. The woman would not be able to lift, or drive for some weeks afterwards. Me: 'I know cysts can get pretty big, Steve..." SND: 'IT IS THE SIZE OF A WATERMELON' he shouted at us, his voice breaking with emotion.

We arrived back around two hours later. SND was clearly so worried and concerned about his wife that he threw himself into casually finishing a bit more of Project Driveway. Chumbawumba's car was parked outside. We could hear her usual squawking away indoors like a deranged seagull that was being throttled. One can only imagine that it must have been one of those drive-thru hysterectomies you can get.