Phase 1 - 'Project Driveway' (Inception)

People have often asked me, "When did you first realise that your neighbour was... *cough*... different?" Obviously, there were many situations with Steve Nextdoor (SND) that raised eyebrows, but one occasion was the defining moment when we realised not only is he wired slightly different to all of us, but he is actually jaw-droppingly stupid. The property nextdoor was previously lived in by an elderly lady, who had lovingly tended her front garden. The garden had never been changed to a driveway, so it didn't have a dropped kerb. It had a well-kept lawn, shrubs, flowerbeds, but the real showpiece of the garden was undoubtedly the hedge which was a masterpiece of topiary. One Saturday afternoon, we were sitting in our living room watching TV. Suddenly, we heard this deafening scraping, scratching and furious revving of a car engine. We both jumped up to look out of the window. SND had driven his wife's new lease car through the hedge. We flew out of the house, assuming that it was a terrible accident - that he had lost control of the car at the junction, and crashed into the hedge.

"Oh my God! Steve! Are you ok?! We just saw what happened!", my husband, Mike, called to him as he approached the driver's side of the car. "How d'ya mean?" SND squinted his eyes at my husband like he was a lunatic. "You've just crashed through the hedge! Are you hurt?", Mike said. "No. I didn't crash. I drove it. My wife's new car got dented by someone when it was parked over the road, so we realised we needed to get it off the road", SND told us, matter of fact, shrugging. Mike was speechless. "Wait.... what?" "I needed to clear the hedge to make an entrance for a driveway" SND said. "You didn't think to do that with some hedge cutters and a shovel?" Mike said in disbelief. "This way is quicker", said SND, tapping his head with his finger - like he'd cracked the enigma code and was about to win the Nobel prize for contributing to mankind's understanding of Physics. He locked the car door, and walked inside. The two-week old lease car did indeed have a small dink in it above the brake light on the passenger side. But now the white paintwork also looked like it had been through a wood chipper. Racing stripes either side where the paintwork was now scraped down to bare metal, and twigs and foliage now decorating the headlights like some kind of pagan sacrifice. So when people ask us when we really knew, this confirmed all of our suspicions.